Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
