proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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