he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
