the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
