We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
