We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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