It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
