He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
