No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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