Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
