My sheets look like a crime scene.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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