i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
