someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
