FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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