I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
