sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
