i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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