Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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