she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
