Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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