Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
