Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
