Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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