I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
