Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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