I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
