Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
