It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
