the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
