Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
