i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
