Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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