Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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