After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
