why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
