I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
