i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
