i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
