Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
