Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
