if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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