am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
