No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
