dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
