Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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