the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
