Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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