I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
