Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
