There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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